Discovering myself and other girls
The first time I saw girls kissing, I thought, ‘oh, gross’. I let my brain control my actions and instead of understanding I burst into a complete homophobic explosion. But as I started seeing this scene more and more regularly, I became less and less bothered by that. Furthermore, I found myself strangely drawn to this act and maybe, MAYBE, willing to participate.
I know you might be shocked. I certainly was when I first discovered.
Ever since I was a little girl, I was told that boys kiss girls and girls kiss them back. So when my female friend came up to me and thought we would make out in a club, I immediately declined the offer. She wasn’t offended and just walked off and found another girl who was happy to kiss here. Couple of years later, I kissed a girl at a house party. And I liked it. And so, when I then found myself drunk in a club, feeling drawn to my very attractive female friend, I refused to stop myself (or was it the alcohol?) and simply pushed my lips against hers.
Up until recently, I thought about these experiences as a bit of fun, nothing to be taken too seriously nor analysed. However, when I now reflect upon this, I can identify strange feelings that I experience before, during and after this act. First of all, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Every moment of it. With boys, I always felt pressurised to act in a certain way. With girls, I was just enjoying the moment, living it to the fullest. Was I then wanting more?
I never thought much of these experiences up until this summer when I went (again) to a lesbian club. The environment there is extremely friendly, relaxed and welcoming. It is the only public space when I feel extremely comfortable and am able to be exactly who I am. Me. On that night, the music was amazing and the dance floor wasn’t packed. I allowed myself to close my eyes and feel the rhythm. I fully immersed in the moment and suddently felt really happy and free.
As I was swinging on the dance floor, I had a few girls approaching me to compliment my outfit. I was flattered and tried to repay them their kind words. I got told off for being too touchy and warned that lesbian girls would interpret my actions differently. But I just thought they were so nice and the touch my act of sympathy.
I allowed myself to close my eyes and feel the rhythm. I fully immersed in the moment and suddenly felt really happy and free.
That night, there was one girl which I noticed right from the beginning. She had this boyish look and a crazy spark in her eyes. I tried not to pay much attention to her but once I saw her dancing, I was hooked. I tried not to stare, also because her friend kept smiling at us and whispering something into the ear of that girl. However, I did not want to get into any trouble and so I kept dancing (mostly) on my own.
At one moment, I turn around and there she is. Standing closely behind me, observing. I got very shy and rushed off to get a drink. I think she got the message but then we were dancing again and I could again feel her breath on my back. I wondered off to the next room.
I wish I wasn’t such a freak. I could have had an amazing time with her, be it a brief moment or more. What I knew was that I couldn’t stop thinking about her not only that night, but the entire morning and the following night. When I found her image, I had shivers all over my body.
Who knows if I will ever see her again. Or if any other woman will ever make me feel this way. What I know is that I need to stop restricting myself from acting / feeling / behaving a certain way. I must learn how to be myself, anywhere, under any circumstances and immerse myself in every moment. I cannot wait to see more of this part of me. Bring on Pride!